Many of the world's problems are caused by man. Since politicians are reluctant to broadcast this, there must be someone else to blame. Luckily there are (still) enough animals.

A cormorant sits on a stone in the water and dries its wings

The cormorant eats up to half a kilo of fish a day Photo: Sonja Jordan/imageBROKER/imago

the cormorant

German fishermen are doing badly. The seas, lakes, ponds and rivers are empty: there are no more fish to catch. And if things go badly for the fishermen, the restaurateurs and we no longer have anything to laugh about. Fortunately, the culprit was found long ago: the cormorant. This predatory bird can eat half a kilo of fish a day and is also protected as an endangered species. According to the fishermen, the cormorant has to go so that there is something to fish again. They have found prominent advocates in Friedrich Merz and Alexander Dobrindt, who are now calling for comprehensive management of cormorants. Deterrence measures and shooting bonuses are being discussed. One can safely ignore the fact that, as climate researchers suggest, warming waters and immigrated species are to blame for the lack of fish. Why fight the climate crisis when you can just hunt cormorants?

The Otter

There is probably no way of life that is safe from Markus Söder if its destruction would bring him and his party some votes. But the fact that he even wanted to destroy the cutest of all animals, because the Bavarian State Fisheries Association has more members than the CSU, shows Söder's utter depravity. The administrative court finally saved the sweet otters of Bavarian lands from the total shooting planned for last year's state elections. That the otters that have recently returned to Berlin are refugees from Bavaria is probably just a rumor, but since Söder is really someone to run away from, the point is obvious.

The cat

Songbirds are highly valued in Germany. Trillilitrillila constitutes much of German poetry and some Trillilitrillila are always in danger of extinction. In this context, bird lovers like to point the finger at the cat. They are blamed for the death of 200 million birds in Germany. The message: Cats are worse than Nazis. Of course, the source of the figures are always only “rough estimates”. But once in the world, these figures have consequences. In Baden-Württemberg, for example, cats are punished between April 1 and August 31 for fear of the survival of the crested lark. An investigation has shown that the cats are planning an attack in Walldorf-Süd in the Palatinate electoral district. “Impressive, a crested lark. I will crush them,” say the bird activists who overheard the Walldorf cats who participated in planning the mass murder. The bird protectors had infiltrated there as informants and are currently preparing to take the cats before the Criminal Court The Hague International.

The wolf

“The wolf doesn't belong here!” says Markus Söder and simply calls for easier hunting of predators in the spring of 2023. It's better not to know who or what “doesn't belong here” in Söder's head, but It is clear that the wolf offers a perfect projection surface. He kills innocent sheep at night. Will we humans soon be in danger too? The usefulness of regulations allowing the killing of wolves can be debated, as can the danger that wolves pose to livestock. At least Söder was able to curry favor with the farmers' association, which welcomed the initiative, without having to offer real solutions to agriculture's problems.

The lion

It was the perfect silly theme of the season. Last year a lioness was seen in the Brandenburg Forest; a Kleinmachnow resident posted a blurry video online. Hundreds of heavily armed police used drones, helicopters and even a tank to search for the escaped predator for hours, days or what seemed like weeks. It was already clear to whom the animal must belong: to the evil clans. It doesn't matter if it's Abou-Chaker or Remmo, more should be done anyway against all clans. Aren't there some deterrent measures? The fact that the lioness later turned out to be a wild boar should not change the matter; After all, they are dangerous creatures that can damage the arteries on people's inner thighs with their teeth so badly that it can quickly become a problem. of life and death.