Being alone is not being alone

«Loneliness is measured by the creaking of furniture at night when the armchair I am sitting in is suddenly uncomfortable, enormous, and the objects increase on the naperons, leaning towards me to listen, to whom the carved saint that lacks a of the fingers, what a cough inside my throat calling, what are these secrets that I don’t understand the words, what exactly do they want coming from a warped drawer, full of faded hair bows and old photographs (…)»

The excerpt belongs to the latest book by António Lobo Antunes, “The Size of the World”, a novel in which several solidities intersect, intertwine, but are never able to bridge or compensate for each other.

Over the centuries, eras, genres, styles, aesthetics, loneliness has always been a theme in art, literature, painting, music, cinema, as the most overwhelming source of anguish in human beings. Since the beginning, the fear of loneliness has plagued the most sensitive souls, desperate for coexistence and contradicting the well-established proverb «better alone than poorly accompanied». Is this fear of living alone something very intimate, very profound, very ancestral – or is it, rather, the fear of dying alone? – which goes back to our status as a dependent mammal, which, stripped of innate qualities, depends solely on technique, intellect and the support and mutual help of the community in which it operates.

Man is a gregarious being. Others are essential to our survival and our psychological well-being. And if, exceptionally, there are, even today, in the 21st century, hermits, by their own will, or unique circumstances of life, they are just that, exceptions, worthy of appearing in any unusual section of the media. Self-sufficiency is a myth.

And I need the my loneliness

The recent edition of the Literary Festival of Póvoa do Varzim, Correntes d’Escritas, dedicated this year to the memory of the poet Ana Luísa Amaral, assigned, as a theme, to each panel of speakers a verse by the author – one of them challenged reflection on feeling- if only: «And I need my solitudes», from «Imagem», a love poem in which the «poetic self» laments that passion robs him of time and space to create. “You spoil my peace. / And I need my solitudes, / mental fragments without you».

With regard to this motto, the writer and editor Inês Pedrosa recalled the end of the novel “Forever”, by Vergílio Ferreira: «Here I am. In the big, deserted house. Forever”. And «all the artists», assured the speaker, «have known somewhere in the big house of solitude». Adding: «Some do not find in the mythologized solitude of the artist more than the recollection necessary to carry out the work.

Many writers and philosophers have alerted to the difference between the ingrained, painful loneliness of those excluded from society, of those who have no one, no words, no possibility of exchange, and the desired solitude, the luxurious solitude of the keepers of meaning, who paint , they write, they compose – and they always have an audience, even if it is only the other of themselves, the certainty of a talent (real or unreal, it doesn’t matter) in the depths of their soul».

For this reason, Inês Pedrosa also recalled, Marguerite Yourcenar considered that the writer was no more alone than any other person, normally touched by the loneliness that marks humans at birth, at work and in death. And she concluded: “When we welcome many beings, we are never what is called alone”.

In Portuguese literature, it is not in the self-titled “saddest book in Portugal”, António Nobre’s “Só”, that the darkest solitude is described, this is a very densely populated work, “laden with loves, friends , readings, tender childhood memories. Healthy, yes. But lonely?”, doubted the speaker. «Neither the life nor the work of António Nobre confirms this». It is, indeed, defended the writer, in “Solidão” by Irene Lisboa “that we find all the notes of that intimate desert, strummed with the desperation of clairvoyance.

Irene describes the useful, pragmatic solitude of the man of letters, the arrogant solitude of the misanthrope to show how these exercises in style are far from ‘real solitude’, ‘the solitude of the helpless’, the one ‘who lacks everything’». According to Irene Lisboa, quoted by Pedrosa, there is no record of this solitude in the literature: «And I still won’t be able to describe it. I think I know it, that I feel it, but I find it so complex, so overwhelming, so empty of facts and so full of bitterness, that I feel coerced. It is a poor thing and a bad translation».

Poor and bad translation

«Poor and poorly translated», miserable and difficult to understand, loneliness is such a vast and indefinable concept, it contains so many nuances and mutations, that it should not be conjugated in the singular. Instead of the concept of solitude, it would be preferable to see it as in the verse of Ana Luísa Amaral, as «loneliness», such are its different perceptions and peculiarities.

Loneliness can be sought after, desired, coveted, even considered an undeniable luxury, as opposed to something so opaque, somber and dismal that it can culminate in serious mental health situations, unshakable melancholy, depression and even suicide. Loneliness weighs like a blanket laden with absences and silences filled with disturbing noises, like the creaking of furniture mentioned by Lobo Antunes, like listening to our own footsteps echoing in Vergílio Ferreira’s empty big house. Forever.

Loneliness is that intimate desert from which one never manages to leave or a tight cage from which one cannot escape, because the key is not always within our reach. These will, of course, be extreme situations of established and irreversible loneliness. But in any case, in the western and capitalist society in which we live, where competitiveness is stimulated from school and individualism and consumerism prevail, loneliness is unmentionable, like a resounding failure.

Loneliness enjoys the greatest unpopularity and an individual without company, without relationships, without consolation, who blows out his birthday candles alone, is considered a loser. For this reason, many hide this feeling of helplessness, dissimulate and close themselves more and more in an immense void full of echoes, abysses and squeamishness.

And if this feeling seems intrinsic to this complex, unique and unrepeatable journey called human life – loneliness has been present since the beginning of time, and there are those who ensure that everything we do, all our actions, from the first steps to to the last ones, they will be attempts (sometimes in vain) to reconnect that cord that was cut and that united us so infallibly to the other, on the day of our birth.

This will be our future, our greatest goal, to reach the other, be in the other, conquer our place in the community, a certainty of belonging, of incessant reconstitution of the pack, despite the faults, setbacks, deaths… From the dots remotest in the timeline of human presence on Earth, men are those who leave no one behind. Not the dead.

What may seem bizarre, in this evolutionary sequence of the human being, is that never before have there been so many possibilities for communication, so many roads, so many rails, so many plane routes, so much approach technology, so many chances of meeting at the distance of a click, in the real and virtual world, and even that didn’t make us feel any less alone. So connected and at the same time so isolated. So together and at the same time so alone.

The famous «walking alone among people» (Camões), is done between family, friends, colleagues and neighbours, or anonymous on the street, but also among all those who, all over the world, parade under our thumbs.

British economist and professor Noreena Hertz highlights loneliness as a defining characteristic of the 21st century. In his book, “The Century of Solitude”, he exposes his theory about its seriously harmful effects, not only for public health (more dangerous than moderate smoking or obesity, this extreme isolation is responsible for depression, dementia and mortality precocious), but also for the health of democracy: feeling abandoned, ignored and not listened to by institutional powers, more and more people have a greater tendency to adhere to fake newsaccepting conspiracy theories and mania for persecution, harassing other groups based on, for example, their skin color, religion or sexual orientation.

Deep down, it is about the desperate need to belong and to be, finally, welcomed into a tribe. And if in the century of solitude this paradox of increasingly connected, increasingly distant, businesses proliferate that try to benefit all these lonely people: from networks of online dating even companies that “rent” company, with nothing romantic or sexual associated.

In the United Kingdom, issues of loneliness and the isolation of its citizens are treated as a public health problem, a hidden pandemic, which led to the creation, in 2018, of a Ministry of Loneliness.

In Portugal we have not yet reached this point, perhaps our social fabric, our concept of the extended family and mutual help in the neighborhood is more cohesive. In the United Kingdom, almost ten million Britons (the equivalent of the Portuguese population) were detected, in various age groups, who spent days and weeks without any social interaction, causing risks to mental health and costs in the British economy that reached three thousand millions of euros.

A little bit because of all this, also because of the aging population and because it is increasingly common to have a robotic system on the other side of a service line, and appointments, requests, orders are made via mobile phone applications, without human intervention, a supermarket chain in the Netherlands decided to reverse the trend, creating slow service checkouts for those who, in addition to their purchases, need to interact and chat. These slow boxes, in addition to making news around the world, are now expanding to other northern European countries. For many customers this may be their only socializing moment of the day.

The confinements enacted due to Covid-19 served as a trial balloon for psychologists, sociologists and other scholars to analyze how society reacted to isolation. A few days later, the emotional comfort lines were already bogged down. It seemed that people were more distressed by isolation and social distancing than the infection itself.

Being alone is not the same as feeling lonely, nor is isolation synonymous with loneliness. This is not just a play on words, these are different concepts. It is also convenient to dispel the myth that the most solitary individuals live in the countryside, in wild and desolate places. Sometimes the most desperate person can only be the next-door neighbor in an apartment in a big city. Or even the partner you chose to share your life with.

Of course, the elderly population is, due to inactivity, the death of friends or widowhood, more prone to loneliness, but it is, in reality, the isolation of adolescents that most worries specialists.

In any case, for the first time, Portugal has reached the milestone of one million people living alone, in single households, either by choice, divorce or widowhood, or by migration for work or study. Just because they are alone does not mean that they are alone (and here the distinction between the verbs to be and to be is decisive). It is important to keep in mind that no virtual relationship can ever replace a gaze, eye to eye that is not “pixelated”, without screens in between.

People need a hug, not likes. They need friends, not followers. By the way, as they say, having a lot of friends on social networks is like being rich in Monopoly.

Ana Margarida de Carvalho signs this text within the scope of the partnership between Jornal Económico and the Francisco Manuel dos Santos Foundation (FFMS), as the author of “Viver só”, edited by FFMS.