This week’s episode The Golden Bachelor Brands another pivotal moment In Gerry Turner’s Journey to Finding True Love … Again. Will it be Leslie, the vivacious dance instructor with an aversion to leather, a love of stale cookies, and the most fascinating dating story of any BachelorNation member to date (she once in contact with Prince, in case you forgot)? Or will it be Theresa, the New Jersey widow who may have mastered the art of humble bragging but has yet to receive a declaration of love from the Midwestern hunk who stole her heart during a dangerous night driving on the California highway?
We don’t have an answer tonight but the disappointment is short-lived because, unbeknownst to us, The Golden Bachelor asks an even more important, often ignored question, the stakes of which go beyond the scope of reality TV. Do old people fuck? We’re about to find out.
Here are the winners and losers from tonight’s fantasy suites episode.
Winner – TLC’s Chasing Waterfalls
TLC’s “Chasing Waterfalls” is a winner tonight for two reasons. Above all, the song simply slaps. But despite the lyrical stylings of Chili, T-Bone and Left Eye that warn us against getting too close to these aquatic natural wonders, chasing waterfalls turns out to be a hopelessly romantic adventure if you’re two elderly people at home. search for a deeper connection. the wild jungles of Costa Rica. Gerry and Leslie test the limits of their aging bodies – and Leslie’s phobia of heights – by rappelling down a 170-foot waterfall before letting their endorphins settle into a pool at its base. The rocks were slippery, but was there anything else? We would have to wait until the evening date to find out. Yet nothing brings people together as quickly (and as dramatically) as a death-defying plunge and the threat of a broken hip.
Loser – Horses
You’ll never be able to convince us that it wasn’t Faith’s unhinged equines (and not her bossy children) that ruined her chances with Gerry and now those oversized asses have struck again. After an intense night with Leslie, Gerry struggled to compartmentalize his feelings for both women during Theresa’s one-on-one date. He was so torn that he spent most of their ride through the jungle more focused on his horse than his potential bride. Theresa managed to break the tension, but only after demanding they trot off those c*ckblocks and talk face to face.
Winner – Thermostats
Gerry’s shock when he discovered that even a multi-star resort comfortable enough to warrant a reality TV show was so frugal that it set all of its rooms to a sweltering 80 degrees might have been his finest moment. scoring in the series so far. Only Leslie’s sex joke managed to showcase her talent for comedic timing and scientifically-based view of ideal room temperatures.
Loser – Viagra
It’s not that we want to see (or hear) Gerry knocking boots with either woman during their fantasy suite dates – these aren’t the Bachelor in Paradise people – but If The Golden Bachelor really wanted to give an authentic look at later age dating, they would have done better when it came to product placement. Maybe a quick glance at a bottle of Viagra on Gerry’s nightstand, a glance at a tube of organic lube in Leslie’s overnight bag. Something that said, “Yes, we’re excited, but we’re also old enough to understand how biology works.” »
Winner – The Stock Exchange
During their romantic dinner, Gerry admits to Theresa that he has absolutely no idea what she does for a living. While he enjoys his retired life, Theresa teaches herself how to invest and trade stocks in order to pay for her healthcare. (Just further proof for the ladies that even in old age, the patriarchy still manages to screw one over.) Not only does his business acumen and competitive spirit impress the man whose post-retirement dream seems to be living on a lake with his dog and driving vintage Ford Broncos, but it also excites him so much that he decides to invite her to spend the night as well. Which begs the question: has Gerry been a gold digger this whole time?
Loser – The Aftermath of Theresa
Despite a magical evening of…conversation, when Gerry and Theresa wake up in bed together the morning after their fantasy suite date, she still doesn’t get the “I love you” she was hoping for. Instead, we’re supposed to believe that he expressed his true feelings to Theresa that night, after the cameras were turned off. His only confirmation in the merciless light of day was a rather pathetic “You know.” Theresa, daughter, run.
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