What to know and how to look

This weekend brings us the Grand Final of the 67th edition of the Eurovision singing contest, the wildest, strangest, pop, country and joyous event of the year. It will air live on Peacock on Saturday, May 13 at 3 pm ET, and for the first time, viewers at the USA You can vote for the winner (I think). Take some time today to shop for international snacks and mimosa fixins, because it is absolutely unmissable.

For those who have never watched Eurovision, let me try to explain it. It all started in 1956 as a kind of mix for a post-World War II Europe, with seven countries participating. In the years since, it has expanded to forty-odd countries across Europe (and parts of the Middle East, and now Australia), each featuring a national song, chosen through processes I don’t understand and don’t understand. need . After two semifinal rounds, which took place last Tuesday and Thursday, twenty-six countries advance to the Grand Final. Vocals have to be live, nothing can be longer than three minutes, crowd appealing pop tends to work best, but once in a while you hear something like authentic Moldovan folk and say: i’m feeling this. Judges from each of the participating countries choose their favorites through the kind of ranked-choice voting that we really need to adopt here in the United States. The results are revealed, country by country, by local personalities who make you say things like: “I guess that’s the Kelly Ripa of Estonia.” Viewers’ callout votes are added to the totals, a winner is crowned, everyone celebrates, and even if you’re watching it on TV, you blow your nose the next day and glitter comes out.

It’s the era of Carrie Underwood american idol, where you can meet a dozen Eastern European versions of Bo Bice. It’s that clip we all saw from the Miss Universe pageant, except the basic energy level is FRAAAAANCE. It’s a worldwide Super Bowl, except the halftime show is two dozen performers you’ve never heard of, and no one does football. He’s 100 percent sincere but also 20 percent self-mocking, a tone we Americans can’t achieve unless the experience is mediated by Will Ferrell.

Usually the winning country hosts the show the following year, but Ukraine won in 2022, so… that’s out. Second place UK, which ended a decades-long era of flops with Sam Ryder’s “Space Man,” stepped up. The show will continue in Liverpool, with co-hosts Hannah Waddingham of ted lasso, pop singer Alesha Dixon and Ukrainian rock star Julia Sanina. Also, this year, viewers from outside the participating countries: including us here in the United States!!!— they can vote through some kind of situation on the website that they haven’t even bothered to explain yet.

Now that the semifinals are behind us and we have our grand twenty-six finalists, here are some notable contenders. Consider it a appetizer.

AUSTRIA

“Who the hell is Edgar?” Teya and Salena

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The Grand Finale will open with this, a club banger about being owned by Edgar Allan Poe, played by Austrians Tegan and Sara. What could not be loved?

CROATIA

“Mom SC!” leave 3

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The refrain on this translates to “Mom bought a tractor,” which is a hint at Vladimir Putin, who reportedly received a tractor as a 70th birthday gift from Belarusian President Alexander Lukashenko. (Later, the anti-Putin sentiment becomes a bit more explicit: “Mom kissed a jerk, I’m going to war.”) Let 3 are five guys with giant fake mustaches who have a well-established reputation as troublemakers in their native country. land. In 1997, they released an album that was completely blank and still sold out of initial printing. In 2001, they collaborated with a sculptor on a giant piece called Grandma’s Penis that is exactly what you think it is. And a few years ago, they attended a daytime television show completely naked except for corks in their anuses. (They were brought out as part of the performance, but at that time, the audience of Wake up, Zagreb or whatever a test pattern was looking at.) These guys are wild cards, and the world needs that (in a non-government context).

CYPRUS

“Break a broken heart” Andrew Lambrou

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One of the things I love about Eurovision is that it’s a hugely popular music event that doesn’t focus on the United States. We can look if we want, but it’s not for us, and I find that exciting. Still, Cyprian’s entry this year shows us that the global rock music market still draws its inspiration primarily from the United States, and the sign that the United States gives to world rock music is Imagine Dragons. (Also, I would like to point out that Cyprus was stormed in 2018 when Eleni Foureira’s “Fire” Was in second place).

BELGIUM

“For you” Gustaph

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Another great thing about Eurovision is that sometimes it’s gay as fuck. In recent years, there have always been one or two self-acceptance anthems, because we’re in the midst of a global Lizzofication. This is the best of this year, and if there weren’t already a RuPaul’s Drag Race The BelgiumThis song has wanted it to be.

FINLAND

“Cha Cha Cha” Kaarija

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A hi-NRG song about drinking: “I only have a bar and a pina colada on my mind… this icy shell is something I have to demolish”, and I can’t tell if it’s a celebration of getting drunk or a Another roundI have a moral to the style. What I do know for sure is that Kaarija plays this dress as The Incredible Hulk in Christina Aguilera’s “Dirrty” video. This is my dark horse pick to win.

SWEDEN

Loreen “tattoo”

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But this is the favorite of the odds. Sweden is always a formidable Eurovision contender, the country with the second most winners of all time behind Ireland. (Ireland failed to make it out of the semi-finals this year, which was a bit surprising.) Loreen herself won in 2012 with “Euphoria”, which became a worldwide club hit that summer. Three years later, Sweden won again with the “Heroes”, the biggest Eurovision winner of all time (or at least since I learned how to make a VPN and watch it). There’s no way this one won’t land in the top three, and it’s great, but after a certain point you have to stop rooting for the ondog.

United Kingdom

“I wrote a song” Mae Muller

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The twenty-six entries in the final are the twenty that made it out of the semi-finals, plus the Big Five (UK, France, Italy, Germany and Spain) and the previous year’s winning country. The UK has my favorite Big Five entry, a breakout hit from a singer who was born in 1997, the last year the UK won.

UKRAINE

“Heart of Steel” TVORCHI

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Last year, Ukraine won for the Kalush Orchestra “Stephanie”, which married traditional Ukrainian folk instrumentation with hip-hop and was too heartbreaking to ignore. This year it’s less urgent, but it’s still a challenging song and most of the world is still on Ukraine’s side, so you never know.

CZECH REPUBLIC

Vesna “My Sister’s Crown”

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I’ll be honest: this is not one of my favorites. But I add it here because the Czech Republic now calls itself Czechia, and that’s how i found out.

Eurovision is a beautiful thing that we haven’t found a way to ruin yet. It’s a party and it’s anthropology. it puts my dream points, which is something you’ll understand once you see. It’s a chance to see Rebecca from ted lasso be as wild as she wants to be. It’s my everything. Don’t miss it.

managing editor

Dave Holmes is the managing editor of Esquire in Los Angeles. His first book, “Party of One”, is out now.